Happy Anniversary!

It was 11 years ago today, that my mom had her heart attack. And it would have been 10 years ago today, that my dad opened his Real Estate office in Oakville.

Today I'm thankful for what I still have but continue to suffer for what I've lost.

It seems hard to believe...but it was one year ago today that my dad received the fateful news of his cancer.

God I can remember this day like it was yesterday!!! I was in Bracebridge and it was a Tuesday. I knew that this was the day my dad was seeing his doctor to discuss all the results of the tests he had recently had.

We went for a walk after lunch. It was a beautiful day. The kids were all behaving wonderfully. We took pictures of them by the water and had an absolutely perfect afternoon.

When we got back to the house, I checked my cell phone and noticed I had missed 3 calls from my brother. Instantly, I knew something was wrong. I called him and he was crying and all Greg could say was

G: "somethings wrong with dad"
Me (now crying too): "what??? what's going on?"
G: "I don't know!!! Dr. Pao's office tried calling mom and she's not home so they called me. They want someone to be there with dad because they don't want him to be alone"
Me: "why??? what does that mean?"
G: "his test results...they don't have good news...and they don't want dad to be alone"

I hung up the phone and collapsed on the floor.

My 2 neices were in the house with me at the time. They heard my scream and came into the room where I was curled up on the floor crying. I remember hearing them saying to each other "is she laughing?" "I don't know" and then my sweet little neice Jessica, who is so grown up in all of her 8 years came up behind me and started rubbing my back saying "it's ok auntie Colleen, everything is going to be ok"

When I finally learnt the news of dad's results, I simply said to Suzanne (my sister-in-law) "I've gotta go. I have to get home. I need to go now"...and within minutes the van was packed and we left.

The 2 hour drive home seemed like an eternity.

I remember driving around the corner to my parents house and everything looked so normal. I walked in the house and my dad was standing there - with his hands in his pockets - like nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day...and he smiled at me as I walked towards him.

We hugged...and cried...and he said to me so calmly "I'm not scared...this is all part of the circle of life".

Everything after that is a blur. I remember my dad and I went to the mall and got dinner and a bottle of wine...and we talked. I remember sitting in the pizza place waiting for our order and putting my hand on top of my dad's hand and saying to him "you can beat this. It's not your time. I'm not loosing you like this!!!"

...but I think by that time, my dad had already accepted his fate!!!



Today is not a happy day for me. I think I going to go and see my dad today...and tell him how much I miss him...and how much I love him!!!

Hannah - the Flower Girl

Boy, oh boy...my little girl was the most beautiful flower girl ever. She absolutely stole the show!!!

Hannah's dress was almost identical to the Brides

Hannah and Uncle Greg

My mom, Hannah, Uncle Greg, and I

Unrehearsed!!!

Wow...I didn't realize until I posted today that it's been almost 2 months since my last blog!!! Honestly, I haven't had very much to blog about.

Things have been good...but I still miss my dad!!! I think of him all the time and miss him terribly!!!

Work has been good...I've finally got back into it...but again, it's so hard being here without my dad. We worked as a team...and trying to adjust to a one woman show has been difficult!!!

My mom is coping as well as one can!!!

Hannah is good!!! She's the flower girl in my cousin's wedding tomorrow...and she's going to be so friggin beautiful!!! I'll be sure to post some pictures!!!

Last night was the rehearsal dinner and of course, Hannah was there - as well as my mom and I. I had brought some things to occupy Hannah during dinner because a fancy restaurant in downtown Oakville, isn't inclined to hand out crayons!!!

Needless to say, Hannah had fun. She brought her Cinderella cell phone and was calling my cousin's husband. They had a great time carrying on a conversation, and we all had a great time laughing along at it all until Hannah turned to my mom and said

"Nana, the phone's for you...it's grampa...he's calling from heaven"

There are just some things a rehearsal can't prepare you for!!!

I Wish...

This morning I dropped Hannah off at my mom's house on my way to work.

As I was getting Hannah out of the van, she ran down the driveway and found a dandelion which had turned to seed - the kind we all made a wish on before blowing it into the wind.

Hannah held this dandelion and wished out loud "I wish grampa could come back".

Fighting back my tears I uttered..."I wish that too"!

I MISS MY DAD!!!

OK...so I copied this...and made it my version. The message is still the same!!!


Fathers Who are No Longer Among Us

In tears we saw you sinking,
And watched you pass away.
Our hearts were almost broken,
We wanted you to stay.
But when we saw you sleeping,
So peaceful, free from pain,
How could we wish you back with us,
To suffer that again.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

If Roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my Father's arms
and tell him they're from me.
Tell him I LOVE him and MISS him,
and when he turns to smile,
place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.


Don't think of him as gone away
His journey's just begun
Life holds so many facets
This earth is only one
Just think of him as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years
Think how he must be wishing
That we could know, today
Now nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away

And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And he is loved SO VERY MUCH!!!



~Anonymous~

A Perfect Tribute

We had my dad's Celebration of Life on Saturday April 19, 2008...

I couldn't have asked for a better day, a better turn out (220+ people) or a more perfect tribute for my amazing dad!!!

I know he was there celebrating along with us...and was very proud!!!

One Month!!!

It's been a long time since I've blogged...one month to be exact...and what a month it's been!!!

As I continue to mourn the loss of my dad - which this morning at 1:50 am marked one month since he died, we are now planning his Celebration of Life. I'm hoping this will provide some sort of closure for my mom and I. Together we have been a great support for each other but at the same time it's hard for me to be with her when I feel weak. I don't like upsetting my mom and I constantly want to try and be so strong around her!!! It's hard. It's been a hard month!!!

And to add to my agony, I spent a week in the hospital after needing emergency surgery!!! On "Good" Friday morning, my mom dropped me off at the hospital for my annual routine colonscopy. I had a very uneasy feeling going into that appointment...mainly because my dad's cancer started in his colon (and I'm so much like my dad), and because of the length of my Crohn's, I just didn't have a good feeling about this test!!!

I guess my feelings of panic were warranted because right after the procedure, I was in an extreme amount of pain, my stomach was so completely extended full of air, and after a CT scan a short while later revealed my bowel had been torn (again) during the procedure, I was off to surgery that evening to repair the damage!!!

It was a productive surgery...they fixed my torn colon, and at the same time removed my appendix and drained the fluid collections out of my abdomen.

I was released after spending a week in the hospital, and am now doing well at home resting and recovering...and trying not to over do it!!! Plus, I'm 20 pounds lighter!!!

It's been one hell of a month!!! I am so glad to see the end of March!!!

My dad passed away in the early hours of March 6, 2008.

He was an awesome dad...and I can't even begin to explain how much I'm going to miss him!!!

I don't know what to do!!!

I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy!!! These past few months have been the biggest physical, mental and emotional roller coaster I've ever been on in my life!!!

My dad continues to deteriorate. Daily we are noticing more differences...his speech is getting worse...his train of thought is shorter...and he is starting to make very little sense when he does speak!!!

Lately, my sister has been on this honesty is the best policy quest!!! She feels we should tell my dad exactly what's going on - tell him that the cancer has spread to his brain!!! She says if it was her, she would want to know...her husband would want to know if it was him. She believes my dad likely already knows what's going on - that he's not stupid - and while he's still capable of making decisions, he should have the right to express his wishes so that we all know exactly what he wants!!!

I see her point...but I'm just not convinced that it's the right thing to do!!

I know my dad's not stupid...and I'm not treating him like he is. But I don't think he needs to be told the brutal reality of his entire situation!!! I believe if we tell him, he'll give up.

Right now, he still has hope that his dizziness will go away...and he has hope that once the dizziness stops and he can walk, that he could go home. He still has hope...and he still smiles and laughs when he's surrounded by his family.

I believe if he knows the truth of just how limited his time is, that he'll deteriorate faster. I believe he'll stop eating...or stop taking his medication...and that he'll give up!!!

I don't want to take his hopes away from him!!!

I don't want to see him sad or depressed!!!

I don't want him to give up!!!

I don't want him to have to go through this!!!

I don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is!!!

I don't know what to do!!!