I Wish...

This morning I dropped Hannah off at my mom's house on my way to work.

As I was getting Hannah out of the van, she ran down the driveway and found a dandelion which had turned to seed - the kind we all made a wish on before blowing it into the wind.

Hannah held this dandelion and wished out loud "I wish grampa could come back".

Fighting back my tears I uttered..."I wish that too"!

I MISS MY DAD!!!

OK...so I copied this...and made it my version. The message is still the same!!!


Fathers Who are No Longer Among Us

In tears we saw you sinking,
And watched you pass away.
Our hearts were almost broken,
We wanted you to stay.
But when we saw you sleeping,
So peaceful, free from pain,
How could we wish you back with us,
To suffer that again.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

If Roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my Father's arms
and tell him they're from me.
Tell him I LOVE him and MISS him,
and when he turns to smile,
place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.


Don't think of him as gone away
His journey's just begun
Life holds so many facets
This earth is only one
Just think of him as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years
Think how he must be wishing
That we could know, today
Now nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away

And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And he is loved SO VERY MUCH!!!



~Anonymous~

A Perfect Tribute

We had my dad's Celebration of Life on Saturday April 19, 2008...

I couldn't have asked for a better day, a better turn out (220+ people) or a more perfect tribute for my amazing dad!!!

I know he was there celebrating along with us...and was very proud!!!

One Month!!!

It's been a long time since I've blogged...one month to be exact...and what a month it's been!!!

As I continue to mourn the loss of my dad - which this morning at 1:50 am marked one month since he died, we are now planning his Celebration of Life. I'm hoping this will provide some sort of closure for my mom and I. Together we have been a great support for each other but at the same time it's hard for me to be with her when I feel weak. I don't like upsetting my mom and I constantly want to try and be so strong around her!!! It's hard. It's been a hard month!!!

And to add to my agony, I spent a week in the hospital after needing emergency surgery!!! On "Good" Friday morning, my mom dropped me off at the hospital for my annual routine colonscopy. I had a very uneasy feeling going into that appointment...mainly because my dad's cancer started in his colon (and I'm so much like my dad), and because of the length of my Crohn's, I just didn't have a good feeling about this test!!!

I guess my feelings of panic were warranted because right after the procedure, I was in an extreme amount of pain, my stomach was so completely extended full of air, and after a CT scan a short while later revealed my bowel had been torn (again) during the procedure, I was off to surgery that evening to repair the damage!!!

It was a productive surgery...they fixed my torn colon, and at the same time removed my appendix and drained the fluid collections out of my abdomen.

I was released after spending a week in the hospital, and am now doing well at home resting and recovering...and trying not to over do it!!! Plus, I'm 20 pounds lighter!!!

It's been one hell of a month!!! I am so glad to see the end of March!!!

My dad passed away in the early hours of March 6, 2008.

He was an awesome dad...and I can't even begin to explain how much I'm going to miss him!!!

I don't know what to do!!!

I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy!!! These past few months have been the biggest physical, mental and emotional roller coaster I've ever been on in my life!!!

My dad continues to deteriorate. Daily we are noticing more differences...his speech is getting worse...his train of thought is shorter...and he is starting to make very little sense when he does speak!!!

Lately, my sister has been on this honesty is the best policy quest!!! She feels we should tell my dad exactly what's going on - tell him that the cancer has spread to his brain!!! She says if it was her, she would want to know...her husband would want to know if it was him. She believes my dad likely already knows what's going on - that he's not stupid - and while he's still capable of making decisions, he should have the right to express his wishes so that we all know exactly what he wants!!!

I see her point...but I'm just not convinced that it's the right thing to do!!

I know my dad's not stupid...and I'm not treating him like he is. But I don't think he needs to be told the brutal reality of his entire situation!!! I believe if we tell him, he'll give up.

Right now, he still has hope that his dizziness will go away...and he has hope that once the dizziness stops and he can walk, that he could go home. He still has hope...and he still smiles and laughs when he's surrounded by his family.

I believe if he knows the truth of just how limited his time is, that he'll deteriorate faster. I believe he'll stop eating...or stop taking his medication...and that he'll give up!!!

I don't want to take his hopes away from him!!!

I don't want to see him sad or depressed!!!

I don't want him to give up!!!

I don't want him to have to go through this!!!

I don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is!!!

I don't know what to do!!!

It's Official!!!

I just received my mark...

I am OFFICIALLY a BROKER!!!

Our Worst Fears were Confirmed!!!

We found out Wednesday that my dad's cancer has spread to his brain!!!

His CT scan on Tuesday revealed a 5cm tumor on the right side of his brain!!!

I can't even begin to explain the heartache I feel!!!

This shouldn't be happening...not to my dad. He's never been sick a day in his life...and now every shread of dignity he's ever had is gone. He can't walk, he can hardly talk, he's lost his motor skills, he can't feed himself...it's horrible. It's absolutely fucking awful to see your father - your hero - reduced to that!!!

It's so hard because some days he looks like he's doing better...and for a second I feel a sense of hope...and then I'm full of remorse because even though he appears to be doing better, it doesn't matter because he's never going to recover from this!!!

I know dying is all a part of living...and knowing my dad has cancer made the whole dying part of life a bigger reality. I'm trying to prepare myself as best as I can for him being gone...but really, how do you prepare yourself for something like this?!?!?

I don't know how to loose someone I love this much!!!

It's just not fair!!!

Dad Update

Regretfully, my dad's not doing so well.

On Sunday, we had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He hadn't been able to get out of bed for 3 days...He's weak, dizzy, and overall completely dehydrated!!!

He spent the night in emergency observation Sunday and was officially admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon.

He's on a continous flow of IV fluids, and they're trying to determine which anti-nausea drug to use with him.

I spent the majority of the day in and out of the hospital yesterday, and despite thinking this might be the beginning of the end for my dad, I must admit by last night he appeared to be doing a little better.

He was smiling and joking around, and was able to tolerate his head being elevated for hours at a time.

Hopefully, with some more fluids and food constantly getting into him, he'll be up and walking around by the end of the week!!!

Keep him in your prayers for me!!!

I'm becoming a Broker

My course is done.

BRING ON THE EXAM!!!